Best Advice From Grand Master Steven K. Chan

Michael Vick is Demented

So, apparently Michael Vick still thinks he is one of the top ten quarterbacks in the NFL. Appearing on the Dan Patrick Show on Monday, Vick said that he’s confident in his abilities and still views himself in the Top ten.

Which is laughable, naturally. Even before Vick went to jail, he potentially wasn’t a Top-10 QB. As much fun as he was supposed to watch, he was frequently wounded and left some to be desired with his performance results. 2 years after, though, he wasn’t even the second-best QB on his very own team, the Philadelphia Eagles, which are likely to part strategies with him.

So whatever Vick’s smoking ( and, after that airport event, you know he’s got some connections ), send it along to our offices. Because that shit must be good. And, for people that are interested, the Michael Vick Project is ready to launch on BET tonight at one thousand. TAUNTR.com

Wanting any excuse to see boobs, Saints plan parade win or lose

NEW ORLEANS – The town of New Orleans and the New Orleans Saints are arranging a post-Super Bowl parade without regard for the outcome of the actual game. Win or lose, the people of New Orleans wish to see some tits and there isn’t any smarter way to see 2 knockers than holding a parade in New Orleans,’ related New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin. ‘We’re proud of this Saints team so we will only think how proud the female fans are going to be. We need to have this. We need more funbags in the streets. It’s good for tourism. I need ta-tas everywhere. Regardless of where you look there should be headlights, breasticles, gazongas and grimy pillows. I would like you to be able to walk in to a food store and see two dairy sections. Then I believe we’ll all be content, win or lose.’. TAUNTR.com

Hostesses get their breast signed by Tennessee recruites

KNOXVILLE – Top sign ups wide receiver Da’Rick Rogers and linebacker Raiques Crump signed with the college of Tennessee today. New boss coach Derek Dooley scrambled to get his most sought-after players signed. Dooley stated that he got an idea from Volunteers men’s basketball coach Bruce Pearl to get his guys to sign. ‘Rather than signing a traditional document,’ recounted Dooley,’Bruce advised we have the players sign our hostesses’ breasts.’ Dooley chose Volunteers hostess Heather Collins to represent the team at signing. ‘Alright boys, sign anywhere you want,’ said Dooley to the players. The wide-eyed sign ups dove in to sign Collins’ rack, the bustiest of all of the Tennessee hostesses. ‘Don’t be shy boys, those tits are D-cups. Use the fat wizardry marker.’ recruits were then allowed a 30-second motor boat in Collins’ cleavage before donning the bright orange Volunteers cap. TAUNTR.com

FSU recruit crams all night before signing day learning how to spell his name

TALLAHASSEE – Florida State University top wide receiver prospect De’Joshua Johnson officially signed with the Seminoles today. The signing comes after an all-night cram session by Johnson to learn how to spell his name. ‘I’m not illiterate, I just never learned the best way to spell correct,’ said Johnson. Shaking on signing day, he slowly scratched out his name properly at the bottom of the page of his letter of intent. ‘I would get where to put the apostrophe wrong a lot,’ related Johnson. ‘And the silent ‘h’ in ‘Johnson’ would always get me.’ Johnson also had a problem with writing the letter ‘s’ backwards, although doctors say the wide receiver has no learning disabilities, such as dyslexia. Johnson will attend FSU on academic scholarship. TAUNTR.com

No one uses classmates.com except Bill Belichick

BOSTON – At the final new england Patriots team meeting, head coach Bill Belichick had one last piece of recommendation for his players for the offseason. ‘Stay off yearbook and MyFace,’ said Belichick, who is well known for his secretive team policies. Days later, however players started receiving strange e-mails from Belichick. ‘I started getting invites for classmates.com,’ said wide receiver Wes Welker. ‘I didn’t realize folk have used that site since, oh, 2000.’ Kicker Steven Gostkowski also received invites from the coach. ‘I don’t even think I was born the year he graduated high school,’ said Gostkowski. ‘Coach is a little behind the times.’ Nose Tackle Vice Wilfork declared he’s known about Belichick’s unfamiliarity with technology for a bit. ‘He tried to put his Blackberry in a VCR once,’ related Wilfork. ‘And you don’t want to understand what he believed a Wii controller was for.’. TAUNTR.com

NFL All-Decade team missed by Westbrook due to concussion

PHILADELPHIA – The NFL All-Decade team was declared Monday, but the flexible Philadelphia Eagles running back Brian Westbrook was missing from the lineup. ‘Brian would have made the team,’ said Pro soccer hall of fame Selection council member Paul Domowitch. ‘But he was listed as doubtful with a concussion, so we had to go with Shawn Alexander.’ Westbrook maybe had a better decade in the 2000s than any running back on the All-Decade team, but the injuries that have troubled the running back caught up with him again. ‘If this was the All-Seven-And-A-Half-Year team, he’d have been in hands down,’ claimed Domowitch. ‘It’s a shame. I actually loved that bloke totally wrecking every fantasy soccer season for me since 2000.’. TAUNTR.com

Bill Elliot ready to climb back in the driver’s seat after Bingo

DAWSONVILLE – previous NASCAR sprint Cup Series champion Bill Elliot is considering coming back full time right as long as it works round his bingo schedule. ‘I’ve been racin’ part-time and I tell ya, it’s been tricky on my bingo time, claimed Elliot. ‘I had to leave one game to go to a race. I only needed a B5 to get that’X’ bingo. That’s a good bingo.’ Elliot will be 55 this year, only one or two years older than current driver Mark Martin. ‘That young whippersnapper is going down. I can outrace him and outbingo him,’ expounded Elliot. When asked how Elliot would fair against the younger drivers in the run Cup, like Kasey Kahne, Elliot responded,’Who’s she? They let girls race now?’. TAUNTR.com

Upcoming season of Regis and Kelly antisipated by Jeff Gordon

CHARLOTTE – NASCAR run Cup Series driver Jeff Gordon is just euphoric about imminent season of Regis and Kelly that starts in February. The show goes on a tiny bit of a hiatus after the holidays and then starts up again with all-new episode in mid-February. ‘I cleared my list from Feb on,’ says a giddy Gordon. ‘It is seriously the smartest thing on TV. To hear Regis talk about Notre dame and the Yankees and Joyce and then Kelly tells us all of these stories about her sexy soap opera stud husband and holidaying with her children. Best. Show. Ever. You know I’ve been on it before. Were you aware that? I’ve been on more than Clay Aiken. So that must mean I’m pretty good.’. TAUNTR.com

CFL looking likely for Tim Tebow NFL losing interest

MOBILE, AL – Most NFL scouts have given up on Tim Tebow after a poor Senior Bowl showing, but the Heisman trophy winner remains upbeat. ‘Even if the NFL does not work out I’m excited to play for the CFL,’ announced Tebow. ‘The NFL has a lot more evangelism opportunities for me, but playing for the Christian football League will be great to play the game with brothers in Christ.’ Tebow has been working out with Marc Trestman, boss coach of the CFL team the Montreal Alouettes, who told him he’d have achievement in the CFL. ‘Tim doesn’t realize the ‘C’ stands for Canadian,’ announced Trestman. ‘But he is really excited, and we don’t wish to lose him as a prospect, so I’m not going to smash the news to him till after he’s signed.’ Canada prime minister Steven Harper is considering changing the nation’s name to’Christiandia’ to keep Tebow inquisitive about the CFL. TAUNTR.com

Blount punches Tebow in the face and increases draft status

MOBILE, AL – Since beginning the varsity football season with a punch to the face of a Boise State player, Oregon Ducks running back LeGarrette Blount has been slowly rehabilitating his NFL draft status with great on-field play and deferential off-field conduct. However his temper got the better of him again Sat. as he punched Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow in the face during pre-game warm ups. ‘He just would not shut up about abortion and Jesus,’ declared Blount. ‘He was annoying everyone, even his teammates. Even coach [Tony] Sparano asked me punch the kid in the mouth, so I did.’ NFL scouts were impressed. ‘Players in the NFL aren’t going to stand for that ceaseless babble from a kid who’s probably going to get cut,’ related Dallas Cowboys scout Tom Ciskowski,’Blount showed the leadership needed at the pro level by hitting that bitch in the lip.’ Before the punch Blount’s draft status was looking like a high fifth round pick. He is now being rated in the mid third round. TAUNTR.com